As born again believers we are adopted in a new family, God’s family. We are God’s hands and on this earth and as brothers and sisters in Christ we have a responsibility to affirm each other’s new self?image in Christ. It’s not easy giving up old habits so we are double minded, hearing what scripture says but following our fleshy ingrained old patterns of behaviour to get our needs met. Our self?image can change by believing what God says about us. This will lead to a change in behaviour because remember that our behaviour matches our self-image. Often our negative reactions are an attempt to defend our self-esteem. As our identity becomes more and more grounded in Christ, the need to defend our self-esteem will decrease. Remember, we are a new creation in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come.

We need to believe it when the Word says that all our needs are met in Christ, which can be very difficult. To believe in your security and significance in Christ, that is, that your needs are met in him, will enable you to deal with insecurities in your everyday life. You might feel insecure in your marriage but will be able to cope if you believe in your security in Christ.

A few tips.

Look at the cognitive distortions taking place.

Learn to listen to what you are thinking – become an observer. Examine your heart.

• LISTEN We really need to try to listen to each other, not just to the words that are said, but to the underlying needs .Try to meet their needs and accept them as they are
• EMPATHY Try to put a word to the feeling behind the behaviour that is being expressed. (My boyfriend dropped me – feelings of rejection). Easy to talk about behaviour, not the emotion. When the emotion is heard we feel deeply heard. Don’t tell people not to feel in a certain way. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are and can be acknowledged. Don’t get angry etc.
• Avoid the FIX IT URGE by giving a solution whenever your spouse expresses negative emotions. SHOULD STATEMENTS If this rings a bell with you, you are in fact telling your spouse that negative emotions are not acceptable, and you know far better how they should run their lives. If you can resist the fix?it urge you will be giving your spouse a far more accepting message., By not telling them how they should be thinking or feeling, you show them total acceptance. This will help them to move onto greater self?acceptance. ?Should’ statements are a no?no as they lead to anger and resentment. Be careful of giving unsolicited advice. If you are unsure of what your spouse wants, ask if they want advice or just want to be heard.
• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR Try not to control your spouse. It is difficult for insecure people to trust themselves to the will of another. Because of lack of self?assurance, they must protect themselves, by seeking to control the behaviour of those who could hurt them. Since marriage is a trusting relationship, this is the place where the problems erupt most readily. Attempts to control others are a frequent compensation for lack of trust resulting from a lack of love.

Practice I FEEL…. WHEN YOU…. No blaming. We need to practice being open about our needs . Many people have been taught to suppress these. Don’t expect other people to mind read your needs.

Our present family can either reinforce our past self?image (good or bad) or contribute to forming a new self?image (also good or bad.). Quite a task we have in our marriage relationship. We get married to meet our own needs, so that the saying that opposites attract is true. The focus is on the self – I need you ..I can’t live without you etc. So many people enter marriage with high expectations of their spouse to meet their unmet needs.

1n Larry Crabb’s book, the Marriage builder, he says that we are only really able to meet our partner’s needs when we have the deep inner belief that we are dearly loved by God, and are secure in his love and the inner satisfaction of knowing that we are doing the work that God called us to do on this earth .I’m sure that one of our tasks is to be used as a vessel for the love of God to flow to our partner.

You have a choice to either manipulate your spouse, or minister to your spouse.

To manipulate your spouse is to have your own needs uppermost, the self comes first and your behaviour is aimed towards having your own needs met. By doing this you are trying to control the other person, which we have no right to do, it means that we are not accepting them as they are, we want to change them into somebody who will suit our needs better.

On the other hand we have got the choice to minister to our spouse. We are in the unique position of being the only one able to minister to our spouse in a marriage relationship. We do this by accepting them as they are and looking out for and trying to meet their needs. Look at the needs behind the behaviour. The Word says that we are to think of others more highly than ourselves. This refers to needs; we are to look out for each other’s needs. A complaint that a husband spends too much time at work could actually indicate a wife’s insecurity. If we just look at the behaviour and just respond to the words the response could be ‘ you should know I have no choice the boss is putting pressure on me. If the message behind the words is responded to, the needs will be met. Maybe a wife’s anger with her husband for being late has not got so much to do with his being late, but maybe with a childhood fear of abandonment. Surely this understanding will stop a heated battle from happening. Even if you partner has behaviour that bugs you, try to see what needs the person is trying to get met. It is usually not just to irritate you; it might just be a peculiar way of trying to get a need met. Also the stronger the emotion, the greater the need so don’t criticize the emotion by shouting back ‘don’t be so emotional!’

How do you get your needs met? Does sulking, or the silent treatment sound familiar? Or being manipulative, being devious, anger. Or do you honestly express your needs and allow your partner the choice to meet your needs. Try keeping to ‘I feel’ statements as you are then owning your feelings rather than blaming your spouse. I feel unloved when you come home late. Rather than you don’t love me or else you you’d come home at 5. The first gives the partner the choice of meeting your need. The second is blaming.

Is my past baggage affecting my marriage?

Let’s think about what the word ‘baggage’ means to us. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the regrets of packing too much luggage for your holiday and feeling weighed down by your luggage. Next time you’re going to pack light, but when the next time comes you pack all that unnecessary stuff again. Sound familiar. Does your luggage control you or are you in control, packing what you need?

The same story seems to apply to our emotional lives. Does your emotional baggage control your life or have you discarded what you don’t need? And are you carrying lots of baggage into your marriage, expecting your partner to carry a large share of it?

It’s time to travel light! A good tip for carrying light is to ask yourself a question every time you feel your partner says something that hurts you. Did she/he mean to hurt you? Was the intention to hurt? If the answer is no, let it pass!